
The parson was jogging with his best friend, Charlie Brown, around the lake which fronted the State Police and the County Fire Department facilities. A commercial fountain head sent water shooting fifty or sixty feet in the air in the center of the pond. A jogging track circled the water providing the parson’s daily exercise. Canadian geese swam with their growing-every-day ducklings watching Charlie Brown who on past days had delighted in jumping into the water to swim in their midst.
Rounding the lower portion that circled the oval lake, the parson was hailed by Ralph Snyder, a lay person at the Providence Church But It Will Always Be Snyder’s Chapel to him.
“Hello, Ralph, what are you doing out this early in the morning. You haven’t taken up jogging, have you?”
"That won't happen,” said Ralph, as he spat a long stream of tobacco juice toward the pond. “That won't happen. I had to get my driver’s license renewed so I got here early to be in the front of the line. You got a second, parson?”
“Sure, Ralph,” said the parson, and he leaned down to unhook Charlie Brown from his lease, whereupon the eighty-five pound dog bounded down the bank to belly flop right into the intended path of a gaggle of geese. The parson turned to Ralph, “Here, let’s sit on this park bench.”
Once they were settled Ralph began, “I don’t want to waste your time, parson. I imagine you’re ready to get home and begin your day. But I needed to ask you about some denominational procedures.”
“Sure, Ralph, what’s up?”
“Well, it’s like this,” said Ralph and he stretched his long legs out in front of him. “You know we got a new preacher this year.” Ralph spat another stream out toward a rose bush blooming to his left.
“I’d forgotten you were getting a new pastor, Ralph. He was ordained just a few weeks ago, right?”
“Yep, he’s new for sure, parson. Wet behind the ears wouldn’t quite cover it.”
“But you have a young pastor, Ralph. That’s got to be something. Do you know how many churches would just love to have a pastor under fifty?”
“Well, I could recommend one to them, parson.”
The parson’s brow wrinkled. “Spit it out Ralph.”
“What I wanted to ask, parson, was for you to tell me the best way to get an appointment with the superintendent or bishop. This kid ain’t gonna work out. He’s terrible. What’s the procedure to make a change before the church is utterly destroyed.”
The parson stood. He felt heat coming to his cheeks. “What the hell are you talking about, Ralph? The
man only arrived in the parish last Thursday. Sunday was his first service. How in the world can you tell me you don’t like him? You haven’t given him a chance.”
“He’s not the man for our church, parson, that’s the long and short of it.”
“Well you sure wouldn’t have any idea whether or not he’s the man for your church or not, Ralph. Tell me, is his mother living?”
“How would I know if his mother’s living?”
“Ralph,” the parson pressed on, “what does he like to do in his spare time?”
“Holy crap, parson, what kind of stupid questions are these?”
“They’re questions you don’t know the answer to. And that means you don’t know anything your pastor. That means you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Look, parson, I don’t need a lecture. Are you going to tell me how to get time with the superintendent or not?”
The parson turned and whistled for Charlie Brown. He then turned back to Ralph. “No, Ralph, I’m not.”
The parson walked to Charlie Brown and hooked the leash to his collar. Charlie Brown shimmied and sprayed the area and the parson with a wet plenty of the lake.”
Darn, thought the parson, I should put you between me and him before you did that. Charlie Brown and the parson jogged away. Ralph spat upon the path.
Graphic by subscription withClip Art [dot] Com